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Hardly compelling is it.
Sure you need to include keywords in your copy in order to help rank in the search engines but what use is ranking at number one if your sales copy reads like above? It’s hardly going to compel your prospects to purchase from you.
Your web pages need to be written to cater to both the search engines and your users. Keyword rich copy that is compelling should be your focus. Why should people buy from you? What is your Unique Selling Point (USP)?
As you read over your pages keep those questions in mind. If your site reads like a laundry list of keywords it probably needs a re-write.